yep, I called it 6 months ago. I knew I wouldn’t be a happy camper this weekend. In fact, I feel like I’m having a flashback to some of the worst years of my life, which may explain things…
So basically, the title of my post refers to what is standing between me being in Boston this weekend preparing to run a marathon instead of being in NY and feeling very alone and left out. I’m 3 minutes and 15 seconds away from a qualifying time (provided they don’t tighten the standards)…or if only I were 2 years older, my 3:44 in NYC 2008 would have gotten me to Boston this year.
And once again, a lot of my teammates and friends have made the trip, seemingly more and more of them each year. I’m proud of them and hope they will-know they will-run well. But I can’t help it, I’m still very jealous, especially knowing if only things went differently on October 25, 2009, I would have been there too. And as I said a coupla years back:
In a way, I think I feel like the girl trying to get in to the “cool clique.” With their snazzy jackets, amazing athletic ability, admiration of so many, they’re the people you wanna be.
Yeah, I feel like I’m back in high school again. Though when I was younger, I participated in sports like softball and cheerleading…there were no tryouts back then, and once you get to high school…all the spirit and enthusiasm in the world doesn’t mean a thing. If you don’t have the athletic ability, you’re SOL. And I guess thats why I never tried out for anything-how would I expect to not get rejected when I get picked last for teams in gym class and are one of the last in the class to finish the mandatory annual mile run? Why set myself up for more failure?
And I think I want…I need to prove to the world that I’m not that girl anymore. And I feel only a BQ would do that. I’m a realist-I’ll never run a sub-20 5K, or a sub-1:30 half. For those on the outside of our inner running circle, my PRs are not that impressive. There’s no 5K, 10K, half-marathon, etc. equivalent of a BQ. But if only I could run a BQ marathon…it would just be such a huge monkey off my back. And in a way, I’d feel accepted. I guess it’s hard to explain.
Tomorrow? I’ll be racing 4 miles. It may not be my day. Or I may run my best 4-mile race ever. But even if I have the race of my life tomorrow…I know it will still slip by unnoticed. Because of what it’s not.
That all said-I do wish everyone running on Monday the best of luck! You all worked hard for this-and you know I’ll be following every 5K split of yours online 🙂