i’ve had a little bit too much

Red wine?  Not so much, I only consumed that on Thursday nite at the Flyers pasta party.  Nope, my current still-hungover state was caused by quite a few pints of Blue Moon and Sam Adams Cherry Wheat last nite at the NYF post-marathon party…oh and barely eating anything yesterday too.  Talk about a liquid diet.  So yeah, I have a streak of 8 consecutive nights of alcohol consumption since last Sunday, and will go for a 9th tonite.  But you see, it’s not like I’m proud of this or anything, not to mention that I’d gladly give up alcohol if it meant that I could have a healthy right IT band.  I’m dead serious.

So the emotional rollercoaster just has not seemed to let up over the past week.  First off, thanks to all who commented on my last few posts…some made me smile, some made me almost cry again, some made me go “hmmmm”, etc.  I am very grateful to my teammates and other friends for the support they have given me over the last few days…at the pasta party, yesterday at the PowerGel station, at the post-party, the NYCM expo, nights out.  Whether it be hugs, consoling words, words of wisdom, retail therapy, tiara therapy, liquor therapy, baseball/World Series therapy.  (And of course there are one or 2 who will remain nameless who need to just leave me alone and let me make my own decisions in due time 😉 )  I thought all the NYF marathon events would be tough on me but they really weren’t.  The pasta party was great food as usual…and we even had Brian Sell as a guest speaker!!  How cool is that? 🙂  The PowerGel station was a good time watching the big dance, seeing teammates and other friends go by, seeing the elites, getting email updates with 5K splits on my CrackBerry, giving out gels (I’m telling you, those things were getting snatched up faster than beers at an open bar!) laughing and singing and dancing and being silly.  And of course the post-party…where let me say I’m glad I took a vacation day today, otherwise I’d be in a world of hurt.  My teammate JF who ran some long runs with me during training…anyway, yesterday she ran her first marathon and broke 4 hours and had a lot of nice words for me, thanking me for being an inspiration to her among other things…almost made me cry…or that could have been the 4 or 5 beers (or more?  lost count) making me emotional.

But along with the nice stuff comes the darker side.  And believe me, there is quite a bit of it.  I feel that 2009 is going to be remembered for what I *didn’t* do rather than what I did.  Yeah, I took down way-overdue 5K and 5-mile PRs and ran a 1:37 half, but in this marathon-obsessed world, no one is gonna remember that, all that’s going to be remembered is the marathon I didn’t finish.  And hearing other NYCM reports where people stuck it out and didn’t quit…I still really feel like a loser for DNFing my marathon.  Are there any circumstances where dropping out is OK?  And thinking about the Boston trip that I can’t take, the fun weekend with special peeps that I was envisioning and looking forward to won’t be happening, once again I will be spending that weekend drowning my sorrows in “I’m not running the Boston Marathon” drinks.  It didn’t have to be that way, all I had to do was qualify and I couldn’t do it.  This is one time where I curse being a young’un…if only I were 35, my 3:44 in NYCM 2008 would have gotten me there!!

I guess in a nutshell-one week later, I’ve still not come to terms with what happened on October 25th.  I’m still struggling with it.  I don’t have closure.  And I don’t know how long it’s going to take to get over…man, this may even take longer to get over than an ex-boyfriend!!  And even when I do…I think what else is bugging me is that I’m feeling a bit lost again.  This is a time where I really wish I had a coach because I really need help analyzing what went wrong.   Because I really felt like I was doing everything right-the increased mileage actually felt good, I didn’t race my training runs, “hard days hard, easy runs easy”, I made sure to get in at least one XT day a week-kinda using my 2008 training as a guide as that went really well.   And I guess I need to know how to prevent it from happening again, and even just want help with a game plan for building back up.  Thoughts…?

And even yesterday’s race had those ups and downs…the thrill of victory to the agony of de-feet ;-)…from Meb’s amazing victory, putting an American on top of the podium for the first time in god knows how long…to Paula’s attempt at 3-peat dashed in the late miles.  From PR’s and perfect races…to those where the end result may not have been what they hoped it would be, but still gave it their all and should be proud-I know I am!!  And it’s crazy how much me, as a spectator, teammate and friend feels invested in other people’s results…there was one that I was literally heartbroken to see that I almost cried when I saw it (though still an amazing time!!)  I guess because I know that feels all too well…when we know what we trained for and that we *can* run that time and something out of our control derails it…as we all know, the numbers don’t always tell the story.

OK I think that is enough emotion for one post.  Too much?  Maybe.  But as with my race report, I find writing about this is cathartic in a way (thanks LG!)…a place to channel my thoughts or something like that.  So if you are still reading, thank you 🙂

Signing off for now with again congrats to the NYCMers…hope those post-race drinks are flowing very well right now!!  And can’t forget-GO YANKS!!!  Will tonite lock up #27….?

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6 thoughts on “i’ve had a little bit too much

  1. What would your thoughts be now if you had really hurt yourself by finishing the MCM? One of those injuries where your running would be affected for a year or more? You did the right thing, it sucks that it happened at the end of an otherwise fabulous year (re-read your PDR post, please?), you'll be ready again sooner than if you had pushed yourself past an injury limit. Injuries happen, you'll be back. It was a triumphant series of runs/posts up until MCM (and your readers clearly felt that confidence and accomplishment).

  2. " feel that 2009 is going to be remembered for what I *didn't* do rather than what I did. Yeah, I took down way-overdue 5K and 5-mile PRs and ran a 1:37 half, but in this marathon-obsessed world, no one is gonna remember that, all that's going to be remembered is the marathon I didn't finish. And hearing other NYCM reports where people stuck it out and didn't quit…I still really feel like a loser for DNFing my marathon."Flygirl, I will have to disagree with you on this one. One race does not accurately represent all the training and the efforts you have accomplished. After all, it is only one race. In actuality, your stellar Philly distance PR sticks out for 2009 imho. Wishing you a speedy recovery with drinks included 🙂

  3. You are a whimsical inspiration to us all in every dimension conceivable.

  4. Anon #1-I think what triggered my thinking was my insecurity thinking that the way my race report read was "my goal time is gone, now might as well give up" when that could have been further from the truth…I could have still held on for a PR, sub-4…but the IT band had other plans in mind. Anyway-I guess I was wondering if thats how others saw it.Moz-yeah, thats how I would prefer 2009 to be remembered (the half.) At least I got something out of my training, right? :)Anon #2-not sure what you mean by that…?And FYI-a new day, possibly a new game plan for next year…stay tuned…

  5. I hope you can read this and take it to heart. Jo Annhttp://www.runnersworld.com/community/persona/index.jsp?UID=4781079345&plckPersonaPage=BlogViewPost&plckUserId=4781079345&plckPostId=Blog%3a4781079345Post%3ad9cef027-98a4-4658-a6ff-779edcc04adf&plckController=PersonaBlog&plckScript=personaScript&plckElementId=personaDest

  6. Thanks for that link, Jo Ann!! What a great article. I especially like this line: "I always say we should get the medal at the starting line – not the finish – because when we show up there all lubed up, having overcome injuries, kids' soccer schedules, compromises for our careers and our relationships, and worst of all, our own doubts, it is a HUGE deal."i guess when you're always hearing when you had a bad day "all that matters is that you finished", sometimes the credit for the work that you put in to get there kinda gets lost in that…

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