I don’t know what the hell is up with me this week. Maybe it’s the rainy weather. Maybe it’s being in the midst of my highest mileage week to date and I’m tired. Maybe it was the hangover from too many apple martinis at the Flyers 20th Anniversary party Thursday nite (which I’ll get to in another post.) Maybe it’s spending yesterday at a vendor doing such frustrating, mindless work and having to keep saying to my self “thank god I still have a job, thank god I still have a job…” And maybe yesterday in general…in addition to what the day itself meant, but the memories…of that day really bringing out the worst in some people. (long story…not going into it here.)
But I’m feeling that emotion, that one I love to hate. Or is it that? As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m really starting to doubt my training, I feel like I have not been running well lately. Especially when I hear about how great everyone else’s training is going while I’m just slogging out slow miles. Or those who have their groups to push them to do better or even just for reassurance and moral support whereas I’m really going through this alone for the next 6 weeks. (again, something else I don’t want to go into, but it obviously is bothering me.) When does this all pay off? When will I ever feel comfortable leading-or running in-the 9 minute or 8:30 pace group instead of 9:30? Is what I’m doing really all that impressive?
Hmmm…maybe it’s not jealousy that I feel. I mean, jealousy includes hatred, dislike, right? And I really can’t-and really don’t-hate my friends because their training is going well, or because they’ve BQed and I haven’t. No maybe what it is, is just frustration and insecurity. That I feel like I can work my ass off, but I’m just average, I’ll never be as impressive as someone who does the same and can run a sub-3 marathon or the like. It’s exhausting feeling like I have to try twice, three times…hell, ten times as hard. And maybe my mileage isn’t as impressive as those who are training with 60-70 miles a week or more, but hey these 50+ mile weeks are uncharted territory for me this year, and I’m still afraid if I go higher, I run the risk of injury and overtraining-knowing myself.
I don’t know. I am really feeling like I don’t know if my training is on track or not. I’m trying to not stress out about next week’s half but the reality is I desperately need the reassurance. Yeah I ran a couple of halfway decent short races, but a 5K and 5-miler do not a good marathon time make (who did I hear that from before?) I know October 25th is the ultimate goal, but I wanna know sooner rather than later if I am going to need to adjust my goals at all.
Do like the training. Do not like the mental mind games it causes.